SeanCarson

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Hi, I am currently a producer at Rockstar San Diego and trying to make the world a better place one person at a time. I hope to fill this page out regularly as time goes on. Just somewhere to put my thoughts down, kind of like a blog but hopefully less self centered than some. If a chump creates a wiki page in the online forest, does anyone give a shit? :)

Me and Humanity

I feel I've learned a lot of things so far about life and human beings. I don't know if anyone will ever read this page, but even if nobody ever did at least it may serve as some sort of record for my children or friends after I die. And if anyone else reads it and learns something, that's a nice bonus for both of us.

I've always been interested in myself and other people - why we act the way we do. I'm very independent and sort of an outsider. I'm usually not that comfortable in larger groups, even with my closer friends. I've always been a one on one person. It's so more intimate and I kind of hate small talk anyway. I'd rather say nothing.

I used to get angry pretty easily, even when younger. I remember getting into grade school fights with kids who sould make fun of me wearing the same jeans every day or sleeping on the floor because we couldn't afford beds. The funny thing is that I still sleep on the floor today, and I like it a lot. :) It was pretty funny the first time I saw a traditional Japanese bed/mat. I was probably even angrier as a teenager, then one day in band I had a sort of personal revelation. I decided not to get mad anymore. Now of course I get angry now and then like everyone else, but I wanted to stop being angry at the little things. It was kind of a turning point for me where I realized that if I wanted to change something about myself, it was completely in my power to do so. I guess that's when I started taking control of my life.

I see living as very similar to driving. Some people like a little control, but not too much. They drive an automatic and ask the person next to them where they should go next. Some other people don't even want to drive and they insist that someone else do it for them. Some have to consult a map, and some don't even know they have the ability to drive. Me, I drive a standard and I get directions when I need them. I love being in control of my own life. It's an amazing feeling when you realize that you can pretty much do whatever you want and that's not just a trite phrase.

I didn't accidentally get involved in video games, I decided that that was what I was going to do and I did it. I'm not a producer by accident either - I got in as a programmer and worked my way into the role over time. Ever since I worked as a manager in my college cafeteria I knew I wanted to be in management. Manager is such a dirty word. :) But because I'm fair, work hard and give people the freedom they want, people love having me as their boss. And I love taking care of them.

I had a love / hate relationship with humanity for a long time. I loved people one on one, but saw the horrible things people did to each other and thought maybe it was best that we died out someday. But as I've gotten older I've realized that people who do bad things aren't bad. There is almost always a reason behind their acts. And more often than not it comes down to them being confused, hurt, sad, or angry and making a bad decision. I used to be fascinated with serial killers when I was younger. I wanted to know how people could do such horrible things. Then it seemed like almost every story told of extreme abuse, horrible parenting, or just brain damage. Then their actions seemed more sad than mysterious. Most people don't want to believe that we create most of our own killers.

Beliefs

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Business

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Observations

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Questions

I think a lot about the future and have always loved science fiction. When I first realized that I was really going to die some day, I thought about the ways people have tried to prevent death. From not going outside, freezing their heads, artificial organs...I wonder how far we are going to be able to extend our lives. I don't think technology is the real answer. The answer is all around us, in nature. The more we learn about our bodies and other creatures' bodies the easier it will be for us to evolve and adapt. Why can ants lift N times their own weight? Why can fleas jump so high? Why can birds fly? How do some animals live hundreds of years? I know scientists know the answers to these questions, but the problem is that we still don't know shit about ourselves and people are scared to experiment. Once we start mixing up the gene pool a little bit, we can create super humans that are hybrids of other animals. That'll be awesome! But I wonder if we can go past that and evolve right out of our bodies someday. Bodies are kind of clumsy and limiting compared to air or water. Maybe that's what dying is, a sort of evolution. I'm not ready yet, but I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Sean, your story above speaks to me. I was a very angry kid as well, until one day I also decided to not be under an AngryCloud any more because it was ruining my life. I had also learnt to AssumeGoodFaith, or at least know that people are three dimensional, while trying to become management rather than Wiki:JustaProgrammer. Welcome to MeatballWiki. I'll be looking forward to see what you have to say. -- SunirShah